J
Jak Angelescu
Guest
Man, I don't even know where to begin because so much has happened. But I've gotten so many amazing messages on here that I just wanted to let everyone know what I've been up to and the like. If you'd like to read this in its entirety, that's totally fucking cool. If not, I don't blame you. It's a pretty lengthy read and it's not me bitching or screaming at anyone. It's just a little bit more personal stuff about what I was going through, what helped me get out of it, and how I'm doing so far and how I've grown as a person. I'm only posting it here because I've had a lot of people reaching out and asking, and there's some things I've learned that I'd like to share if it helps anyone else out.
Okay, so here it goes. I'm getting a lot off my chest so please bare with me...
When this school opened, my life changed. When Syn messaged me and said "What's your Insta?" and he followed me, my life only got better. I deliberately made an Instagram account because he asked about it. Next thing I knew, I was opening up to a world of people I didn't know, and I loved it. I loved helping people, I loved sharing my life and my stories, I loved motivating people, and I loved the idea of building my following. I was exposed to the world of "If you have a huge following, you're famous and you've made it." That's what I started conditioning my mind to see and to believe. I started out just being myself, but as I continued to lose followers because I wasn't A7X related, it started to mentally affect me. I said it didn't, but I was lying. I told everyone "I don't fucking care" but deep down, I did. And it only hurt because you start to feel that unless you post sexy photos, professional videos or you do the same cover everyone's heard a million times, no one cares.
I managed to brave it off and push on. But then the lunatic A7X stalker fans came trolling in. Disgusting things were said, horrible comments were made, and even though I shrugged it off and took care of it again, it only started opening up a door of reality to me that certain people were only close to me because of my connection to Syn. Once again, I shrugged it off. I started to live on the idea of my following. What kind of content should I post to attract more attention instead of what kind of content would I like to share? I don't care who you are, it fucking affects you. When a polished and perfect photo of me with Bastet gains more attention than a pajama video of me just playing guitar, I don't care who you are... it affects you. You start judging yourself in an entirely new light. And that light was starting to get too fucking bright for me and my reality began to distort.
I started editing my photos more. I started posing in ways to make me look smaller although my weight has increased substantially. Being raised as a "model" only pushed this mentality on me even more. I wanted to do everything I could to portray the "Socialite Lie". I started to fucking live my life on whether or not Syn or Bill watched my stories or liked or commented on my stuff. My face was glued to my phone almost 24/7. My confidence plundered, my bandmateship with Holly fractured, it tore her into depression because she was losing me, and eventually I became a malevolent hostile and edgy bitch. Literally speaking, my whole life started to fall apart. I'm going to bluntly say it, I liked the attention. But the attention was only temporary, and it never amounted to anything. Then as much as I tried to deny it, a majority of my "Ask Me Anything" questions were related to sex. I'm an open book, so at the time it didn't bother me. Until Bill messaged me by responding to the story post and said "Why are you putting this stuff up? I mean you can if you want to but these perverts need to mind their own fucking business. The more you feed this kind of behavior the bigger it's going to get." Naturally I told him it wasn't a big deal. And then he was proven right. They didn't stop. My inbox became engrossed with sexually charged messages.
If I wasn't getting sexual messages or men messaging me with stupid shit like "Hey my grandpa is Italian lets fuck", it started to become everyone coming to me to be their mommy or their therapist. In the beginning I loved to help, but if you're a fucking idiot and refuse to practice but complain about not improving that's not my problem.
My life was no longer private, either. Every time I'd post a story, I'd get people messaging me DEMANDING they know what I'm doing, when I'm doing this, when I'm going to do that, etc. Every time I logged in someone was having a meltdown that I couldn't ebb. If it wasn't that, it was students trying to sneak lessons with Bill, in which I practically became his manager for his students. It just became too much. I was having massive confusion about what to do, and I already kind of was considering pulling the plug. When the night happened with Holly, I decided it was truly time to quit.
I will admit, in the first two week of me being off I ended up becoming a manic psycho. I had so many anxiety attacks that I actually blacked out during one. I've never been that kind of person. I had to start taking medicine and was living off of a certain tea or I would have hysterical crying meltdowns at LEAST four times a day. Over nothing. It was because I was stripped of that numbing drug of social media and the societal pressure and excess noise, that I was now sitting with my own life in front of me. And I couldn't figure out how to make my life work. Holly and I have pulled through for each other so much, and I could NOT have made it through these last three weeks without her.
It was Syn who suggested "The Social Dilemma" to me and it was such a refreshing thing to see. Now that I have my life more in order, I'd like to be more active on this school again. But you're going to see me how I use to be. A chunky girl who sucks at guitar still
There was a long time I didn't play, but I'm doing way better now. I'd like to let everyone know, that even though I'm going to be active again here besides just doing the lessons, please don't come swinging at me with your drama or your pestering questions. Still kindly respect my space a little. I'm working on responding to all of the other messages tonight.
Now that all of that has been dumped, I'd like to share some things that have helped me a lot. Please for the love of God, if you suffer from anxiety consider getting off of social media. You have us here. A lot of people use it because they feel lonely, but it only makes you feel worse. Instead of spending time on marketing my business on Facebook (which literally did nothing for me), I've taken that daily hour to either find more business or take an enrichment course. The $40 a month I spent on advertising I have made STUNNING buyer/seller booklets that make me look like the fucking pro I am. I've gotten more business being OFF of social media. Also, a friend texted me tonight and said "I realized that I use to just watch your instagram for your updates. Now that I can't, I decided to text you to see how you're doing."
Let me tell you what, someone taking the time out to TEXT YOU deliberately feels a hell of a lot more special that a bunch of mindless "likes" on a post.
The other thing I learned, is to not budget your TIME. I learned with extensive research I have massive "time anxiety" from everything in my life and I was operating every single second of my day by what the clock said. Now I don't look at the clock. I have taped that part off on my phone, on my car's display, and on my laptop. I realize that this may be impractical for some, but I still have things like alarms set. Now instead of lazing off, I get up and get shit done because I'm not living in the whole mindframe of "well it's noon and I haven't gotten shit done, why am I such a failure?" I just do it. Instead of budgeting your time, try just giving yourself simple tasks each day. I use to panic thinking I needed to spend HOURS a day on my book in order for it to get finished. I realized that I could write a novel in 10 months if I just wrote 750 words a day, which takes me about 30 minutes to do. It's not based on time, it's based on a goal. I've also applied that to my guitar. Instead of saying "I'm going to practice for X amount of hours today" I just give myself a goal for the day and when I feel satisfied, I stop.
Also, I read that 88% of people can only focus on a task for about 2.5 hours before their brain starts to get taxed out and the time afterwards is not truly productive. I found that to be VERY true. I use to FORCE myself to practice around 5 hours a day, but I was so drained after 3 I didn't really want to continue. Maybe others can do it. And some can't AND THAT'S OKAY.
I'm so happy to say that in these last two weeks I've gained two clients (I struggled to get that in two MONTHS), I've lost 7 inches, my Italian is getting better, my house is STAYING cleaned, I've written 52 pages in my book, I'm eating and sleeping better, I have more leisure time, my guitar is improving a lot AAAANNNND Holly and I have laid down THREE songs for scratch tracks in the studio I feel pretty good.
Life is finally good, kittens. If you've made it this far, thank you. I just want to say that I use to cry to Holly and say "I just want the noise to stop for once. I just want to be left alone." It's okay to be alone. Whether or not you want to admit it, festering your mind away on social media still means you're alone. Why not use that time a little more productively? Remember, I'm living proof that small changes make the biggest difference. Don't stress yourself out by overloading yourself. You deserve time to rest.
Anyway, enough of my rants. I love you all. And thank you for being in my life.
Okay, so here it goes. I'm getting a lot off my chest so please bare with me...
When this school opened, my life changed. When Syn messaged me and said "What's your Insta?" and he followed me, my life only got better. I deliberately made an Instagram account because he asked about it. Next thing I knew, I was opening up to a world of people I didn't know, and I loved it. I loved helping people, I loved sharing my life and my stories, I loved motivating people, and I loved the idea of building my following. I was exposed to the world of "If you have a huge following, you're famous and you've made it." That's what I started conditioning my mind to see and to believe. I started out just being myself, but as I continued to lose followers because I wasn't A7X related, it started to mentally affect me. I said it didn't, but I was lying. I told everyone "I don't fucking care" but deep down, I did. And it only hurt because you start to feel that unless you post sexy photos, professional videos or you do the same cover everyone's heard a million times, no one cares.
I managed to brave it off and push on. But then the lunatic A7X stalker fans came trolling in. Disgusting things were said, horrible comments were made, and even though I shrugged it off and took care of it again, it only started opening up a door of reality to me that certain people were only close to me because of my connection to Syn. Once again, I shrugged it off. I started to live on the idea of my following. What kind of content should I post to attract more attention instead of what kind of content would I like to share? I don't care who you are, it fucking affects you. When a polished and perfect photo of me with Bastet gains more attention than a pajama video of me just playing guitar, I don't care who you are... it affects you. You start judging yourself in an entirely new light. And that light was starting to get too fucking bright for me and my reality began to distort.
I started editing my photos more. I started posing in ways to make me look smaller although my weight has increased substantially. Being raised as a "model" only pushed this mentality on me even more. I wanted to do everything I could to portray the "Socialite Lie". I started to fucking live my life on whether or not Syn or Bill watched my stories or liked or commented on my stuff. My face was glued to my phone almost 24/7. My confidence plundered, my bandmateship with Holly fractured, it tore her into depression because she was losing me, and eventually I became a malevolent hostile and edgy bitch. Literally speaking, my whole life started to fall apart. I'm going to bluntly say it, I liked the attention. But the attention was only temporary, and it never amounted to anything. Then as much as I tried to deny it, a majority of my "Ask Me Anything" questions were related to sex. I'm an open book, so at the time it didn't bother me. Until Bill messaged me by responding to the story post and said "Why are you putting this stuff up? I mean you can if you want to but these perverts need to mind their own fucking business. The more you feed this kind of behavior the bigger it's going to get." Naturally I told him it wasn't a big deal. And then he was proven right. They didn't stop. My inbox became engrossed with sexually charged messages.
If I wasn't getting sexual messages or men messaging me with stupid shit like "Hey my grandpa is Italian lets fuck", it started to become everyone coming to me to be their mommy or their therapist. In the beginning I loved to help, but if you're a fucking idiot and refuse to practice but complain about not improving that's not my problem.
My life was no longer private, either. Every time I'd post a story, I'd get people messaging me DEMANDING they know what I'm doing, when I'm doing this, when I'm going to do that, etc. Every time I logged in someone was having a meltdown that I couldn't ebb. If it wasn't that, it was students trying to sneak lessons with Bill, in which I practically became his manager for his students. It just became too much. I was having massive confusion about what to do, and I already kind of was considering pulling the plug. When the night happened with Holly, I decided it was truly time to quit.
I will admit, in the first two week of me being off I ended up becoming a manic psycho. I had so many anxiety attacks that I actually blacked out during one. I've never been that kind of person. I had to start taking medicine and was living off of a certain tea or I would have hysterical crying meltdowns at LEAST four times a day. Over nothing. It was because I was stripped of that numbing drug of social media and the societal pressure and excess noise, that I was now sitting with my own life in front of me. And I couldn't figure out how to make my life work. Holly and I have pulled through for each other so much, and I could NOT have made it through these last three weeks without her.
It was Syn who suggested "The Social Dilemma" to me and it was such a refreshing thing to see. Now that I have my life more in order, I'd like to be more active on this school again. But you're going to see me how I use to be. A chunky girl who sucks at guitar still
There was a long time I didn't play, but I'm doing way better now. I'd like to let everyone know, that even though I'm going to be active again here besides just doing the lessons, please don't come swinging at me with your drama or your pestering questions. Still kindly respect my space a little. I'm working on responding to all of the other messages tonight.Now that all of that has been dumped, I'd like to share some things that have helped me a lot. Please for the love of God, if you suffer from anxiety consider getting off of social media. You have us here. A lot of people use it because they feel lonely, but it only makes you feel worse. Instead of spending time on marketing my business on Facebook (which literally did nothing for me), I've taken that daily hour to either find more business or take an enrichment course. The $40 a month I spent on advertising I have made STUNNING buyer/seller booklets that make me look like the fucking pro I am. I've gotten more business being OFF of social media. Also, a friend texted me tonight and said "I realized that I use to just watch your instagram for your updates. Now that I can't, I decided to text you to see how you're doing."
Let me tell you what, someone taking the time out to TEXT YOU deliberately feels a hell of a lot more special that a bunch of mindless "likes" on a post.
The other thing I learned, is to not budget your TIME. I learned with extensive research I have massive "time anxiety" from everything in my life and I was operating every single second of my day by what the clock said. Now I don't look at the clock. I have taped that part off on my phone, on my car's display, and on my laptop. I realize that this may be impractical for some, but I still have things like alarms set. Now instead of lazing off, I get up and get shit done because I'm not living in the whole mindframe of "well it's noon and I haven't gotten shit done, why am I such a failure?" I just do it. Instead of budgeting your time, try just giving yourself simple tasks each day. I use to panic thinking I needed to spend HOURS a day on my book in order for it to get finished. I realized that I could write a novel in 10 months if I just wrote 750 words a day, which takes me about 30 minutes to do. It's not based on time, it's based on a goal. I've also applied that to my guitar. Instead of saying "I'm going to practice for X amount of hours today" I just give myself a goal for the day and when I feel satisfied, I stop.
Also, I read that 88% of people can only focus on a task for about 2.5 hours before their brain starts to get taxed out and the time afterwards is not truly productive. I found that to be VERY true. I use to FORCE myself to practice around 5 hours a day, but I was so drained after 3 I didn't really want to continue. Maybe others can do it. And some can't AND THAT'S OKAY.
I'm so happy to say that in these last two weeks I've gained two clients (I struggled to get that in two MONTHS), I've lost 7 inches, my Italian is getting better, my house is STAYING cleaned, I've written 52 pages in my book, I'm eating and sleeping better, I have more leisure time, my guitar is improving a lot AAAANNNND Holly and I have laid down THREE songs for scratch tracks in the studio
I feel pretty good.Life is finally good, kittens. If you've made it this far, thank you. I just want to say that I use to cry to Holly and say "I just want the noise to stop for once. I just want to be left alone." It's okay to be alone. Whether or not you want to admit it, festering your mind away on social media still means you're alone. Why not use that time a little more productively? Remember, I'm living proof that small changes make the biggest difference. Don't stress yourself out by overloading yourself. You deserve time to rest.
Anyway, enough of my rants. I love you all. And thank you for being in my life.
welcome back queen, love you 
Social media is toxic, but you can also meet amazing people. Sending a lot of love to you Bella!! 
