Hey, $ynner fam! This post is going to be very near and personal to me...but I'm also using all the bravery I can to write it. I'm going to open up very intimately with all of you and also try to encourage anyone who feels anything similar over the past poo-ey year. I've been very absent from school lately because frankly it's been a bit too much to handle with everything else. Over the past few days, I've felt a little depressed and pretty much a bit burnt out as well. For those of you who don't know me and may not be very familiar with me as a friend, the main reason is that my grandpa got very sick a few months ago and he's still pretty sick (and we're extremely close and have gotten even closer since his illness). Over the course of him being sick, I've taken on quite a few more chores and also the main position of being his caretaker pretty much and have had to deal with other bullshit on top. When he first got very sick, my mental health took a nosedive. Especially when all he would do is sleep and not much of anything. Then some mornings he'd wake up and have no idea where he was, and I'd do my best to completely hide how I felt until I could go outside to do my chores and just break down... I was having breakdowns daily...every single morning. It got to the point I thought I'd lose him and we were calling family to come to see him...before we thought he'd y'know....
But I'm lucky to have made some of the special friends I have here, and they have helped me change my mindset and the way I think drastically. Instead of, "oh my god, he's going to die, I won't see him again"...I went to, "I get one more day with you and I'm thankful for that..." And there have been some $ynners that are just literally lights and angels in my life seriously...and I have no idea what I would do without them. I can't imagine life without them as my friends anymore. My grandpa is still sick and has bad days, but nowhere near like he was. I worked my ass off to try to just get him back on his feet and convince myself that "everything's going to be okay" and "life is going to be so much more than I dreamed or ever imagined it could be". I continued to push myself to work on my guitar and music through it all. Some kind sponsors gave me the gift of two lessons with Bill to look forward to. And there have been days where they've just made me so thankful to know them and had me completely breaking down because I was just so happy I hadn't committed suicide in the sixth grade and gotten to meet them and where I am as a person and musician as I am today.
And let me tell you, today is one of my grandpa's bad days and it's also one of mine. Like I feel so down and burnt out and honestly, I don't want to do anything but sit here and cry. I don't feel like practicing or even watching my pretty jrock boys from Kiryu to laugh. So I wanted to make this post because sometimes the holidays are very difficult and very shitty...even without a pandemic to worry about for some. Thank you to those that have been kind and uplifting and supportive and showing nothing but love and constructive criticism at times. You have no idea what people are going through or how much it truly affects someone. You really can be a ray of light for some without ever realizing how beautifully you've touched them and just helped them continue on through their day. You have no idea how much you all have made me want to keep trying to wiggle and struggle on when I thought I just honestly couldn't. I hope you all know how much you are loved and appreciated. And I hope this thread gives others a chance to make some wonderful friends on here like I have been blessed to.
For those of you wondering, I tried to get my grandpa to the doctor, and no matter what he would not go...and he would get extremely cantankerous. Finally, last night he had my mother call to have a doctor set up and make a home visit and we're taking that step by step. My mental health is very good most days, but today is one of my more emotional ones.
Oh! I wanted to also happily announce that the entire month of November, I worked on a song with a friend...even with all of this still going on. I'm hoping I'll be able to share a little something soon when I can. Never give up on your dreams. It's ok to take breaks when it becomes too much, but I feel we can create some of our most beautiful artworks utilizing emotions.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading if you made it this far. All my love and thank you so much for helping without ever even truly knowing at times...You are all my little will o' wisps and so very special in many amazing ways. Please take good care of yourselves this holiday and feel free to come to this thread for some extra holiday lovings.
And trust me...for some very bad and horrendous moments, there are some breathtaking and extremely beautiful ones to heal them. Don't let a little rain put out your fire. Keep shining and make sure others get to see your light.
@RoaringRowanThunderBender
